I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
