Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
