My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
