last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
