Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
