what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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