He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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