I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize