You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
