I accidentally had phone sex last night
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Randomize
