I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
