I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
