and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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