I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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