Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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