woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
