I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
well you can't waste a boner
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
