I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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