i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
