im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
