Jerry, you need to find god
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
