i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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