i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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