nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
