sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
