If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
