census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Semen is not good for contacts.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
