i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
