LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
