and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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