Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
