Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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