Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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