one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
