The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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