i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
