Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
