Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
