My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
