One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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