So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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