Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
