I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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