I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
