An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
