There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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