Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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