I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
