So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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