I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
