The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
