Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Less talking, more tequila
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
