She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
