I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
