I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
