I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
