I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
