idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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