then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
